circles

I almost cried at the chiropractor yesterday. While he was working my back, I felt a release of stress and tension that gathered in a lump in my throat. My body wanted to weep. It was pretty funny. Emotionally, I felt fine... a little stressed, but fine. My body, on the other hand, is great with child.

Max has a certain half-smile for when he is slightly embarrassed or uncomfortable from admiring stares. It's usually triggered by my saying, "Nate, look at your boy." Max knows this phrase well. He'll continue whatever cute thing he is doing while turning his head just enough to see us in his periphery. And then he'll suddenly look at us with the half-smile. It's killer.

I must have a lot of vanity or something, because I haven't been able to get lost in the beauty, so to speak, of growing humans. I certainly have lost some beauty (if ever there was any). A sore back, dry skin, acne, varicose veins, and heartburn aren't gumdrops and roses to me. It's not that every day is misery, but most days you look and feel worse than you do when you aren't pregnant. By comparison, pregnancy is difficult.

I guess it's like anything else that's hard. Some people tell themselves it's not difficult in the first place, and that might work for them. But I have to call it like I see it... and then put it in perspective. Pregnancy is hard, and then you do it again... over and over. And yet you aren't crazy. You just love killer smiles.

Max and I went to the park yesterday after the chiropractor appointment. I was feeling all zen, so I let him watch the industrial lawn-mower for 45 minutes as it zoomed around the trees and picnic tables. "See him going in circles?" Max would motion a circle with his chubby arm and hand while making a "shooooeeew" sound. Oliver was hanging out upside down in my womb putting pressure on my back and making it uncomfortable to sit there, but he'll be out soon enough. And then I'll have two little boys drawing circles in the air while I exert patience just to sit. Sounds good to me.