black sheep

I would prefer not to sleep these days if I could survive without it because my dreams are horrible. Some nights Nate is leaving me for another woman, and other nights I am confronting natural disasters. After the former, I have woken up in a panic in the middle of the night and whimpered as I lie next to Nate wishing he'd wake up and hold me. Sound pathetic? It is... and it's, as mentioned, horrible.

Last night's dream was all about my friends having heard rumors that I was saying bad things about them. They confronted me over lunch, and all I could say was that I had no idea what they were talking about. This went on for days... confrontations and denials. I finally lost it and yelled to them all "I swear on my God and my life that I never said those things!" I stormed out and went to a guy's house who I knew must be starting the rumors. From there, it's blank. I remember a creepy old woman emerging from his closet, and I remember a gun going off. The guy was shot dead, the old woman was gone, and I was left in the room in a daze. I put the guy in the closet and walked out the front door of his house. It was raining, and I got soaked while I sat on a large rock in his front yard trying to piece together what I'd just been a part of somehow. His house phone rang, so I went inside and answered it. "Is this Emilie? I have an order for two dozen cookies, and I need an address for delivery." I didn't know who had ordered cookies or how the man on the phone had my name, but I love cookies... so I gave him my address. I walked home in the rain to wait for the cookies to arrive and found my friends all waiting outside. Two cop cars drove up upon my arrival with the lights flashing, and a younger version of the old lady from the guy's house got out of the car. She was in uniform and holding handcuffs. She gently took my hands in hers and said, "Emilie, you are under arrest for murder." In that moment, I knew I was guilty but that it must have been self-defense... and I knew nobody would believe me, least of all my friends. So I made myself wake up... a lucid dreaming technique that I've acquired lately. If I don't like the dream, I wake myself up. I wake up a lot lately.

Anyway, that probably wasn't as dramatic or interesting to anyone as it was to me, but we all know how dreams go. I've been keeping Nate up at night, too. That might be worse than the dreams themselves. He can't take naps like I can.

Last night was nice before the sleeping and dreaming. I made foil salmon and rice, and we drank Italian soda. I coaxed Nate to watch Adventures in Babysitting, a throw back to my childhood. There was nothing there to trigger bad dreams. Oh, except that I'm pregnant. There's always that constant. Is it the hormones? The ever present subconscious fear of giving birth? I'm not sure what else to do to calm myself before hitting the hay. We say our prayers, and Nate has been singing to my belly for a week now.

And so I've decided that all I can do is embrace the interrupted sleep... because it will be my reality for a long time before and after the baby is born.